For What?

[Lady Lovelost]

          It took me a long time to come to the realization that I would be ok without him. To realize that I would have a better chance at happiness without him. I love him, and I think he loved me, but we just weren't a match. The relationship was always conflict-ridden and tumultous. I couldn't give him what he needed. He couldn't give me what I needed. And we fought and fought to try to get what we needed from one another. Neither of us being brave enough to stand up and say that “I can't give you what you need”. I just can't give you what you need. And you have to accept it. Now it is over and you have to accept it. Accept that the relationship that you wanted so badly was a failure. Accept the loss. The loss of comfort. The loss of companionship, of traditions and rituals. Shared laughter. Shared pain. Now there is nothing more to share, just memories. It is sad. I am saddened. But I will be ok.

 

          I wonder what will become of me now. What will become of me now that I am free from the daily arguments. Now that I am free from the anxiety I felt every day when I came home to him. What will become of me now that I am free from the struggles, free from the fight, free of the shame, the frustration, free from the pain. There is a vast emptiness where you once were, where the pain once was. A hole where the frustration used to fester and grow. There is emptiness where the anxiety once was... I can still feel it's electricity... deadened now. Finally turned off. Now the hole is filled with the sadness of failure. The sadness of loss. Filled with dissapointment and anger. But it is my loss, my dissapointment and anger that I have to deal with now. Your dissapointment and anger are no longer mine. That is freedom. Freedom for me to become mine.

 

       Tonight, as I drove home I began to recall the anxiety I so often felt on my drive home to him. I began to ask myself why I tolerated that for so long. I have no answer, but it occurred to me that there is a part of me that tolerated it and allowed it to continue for so long, and another part of me that drew a boundary (finally) and ended it. I had to allow the part of me that tolerated it to apologize to the part of me that ended it... the part of me that is strong, the part of me that loves myself, that wants to love, the part of me that needs peace. To apologize for allowing that to go on for so long. And it occurred to me just how sad it is. And it occurred to me that there is a part of me that is broken. The part that would tolerate such pain for so long.

 

And then I just had to laugh, to think that he tolerated the pain too. How incredibly ridiculous, useless, and sad it is that two people should tolerate a relationship that creates so much pain for so long. For what?

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